(BARE WITH ME, THIS COULD BE A LONG POST)
so this boy, well i say 'this boy' really i mean one of my best friends, keeps going on about us getting together. i have known him since i was 3, we've sort of grown up together.
i had been saying i didn't want a boyfriend at the moment for ever so long and that i wanted one when everyone was older and more mature. well a while back, really i mean the other day, i decided i didn't want to wait till any specific time to get a boyfriend. maybe i want to have one in my childhood, to have fun with and to mess around with, understanding that it wont last forever. so last night i decided i would tell James (this boy). guess what happened? he asked me out -_- really shouldn't have told him!
lets get this clear. i feel as though i love him in my head, but I've felt like that for yeeaaars. when im with him i feel as though we are just friends, nothing more. but when im not with him i feel like i really love him. is that normal? o.O i cant see myself doing 'sexual things' to/with him, and i cant even see myself being with him. the negative sort of outweighs the positive. WHAT DO I DO?
having been through a counselling experience, i had learnt that when you don't know what to do ALWAYS get someone else's opinion on it. that's exactly what i did. i decided i would start off slow and ask 'how do you know when your in love?'
person 1- 'when your willing to take a bullet for them. when you care more for them than you care about yourself. when you willing to do whatever they want just to make them happy. when you see them you get shivers down your spine. when they are perfect to you. that's what i think.'
person 2- 'well, that's a difficult question, is different for everyone. if you get butterflies every time you see him, if you miss them as soon as they leave and you just know your in love.'
they were probably the shortest definitions. okkk, out of that the only things i feel for James is i would take a bullet (but then i would take a bullet for every human being "/ ), i care more about him than myself, im willing to do whatever he wants just to make him happy and i sometimes get butterflies.
i was speaking to a good old friend of mine last night (BUMCHEEK!) she gave me a good old lecture. we came to a conclusion...
im in love with the idea of love.
perhaps it was loneliness, jealousy, desperation that made me change my mind about being in a relationship during my childhood. but there's no point rushing into one with someone who you don't even love.
'just wait until the time is right'
