(BARE WITH ME, THIS COULD BE A LONG POST)
so this boy, well i say 'this boy' really i mean one of my best friends, keeps going on about us getting together. i have known him since i was 3, we've sort of grown up together.
i had been saying i didn't want a boyfriend at the moment for ever so long and that i wanted one when everyone was older and more mature. well a while back, really i mean the other day, i decided i didn't want to wait till any specific time to get a boyfriend. maybe i want to have one in my childhood, to have fun with and to mess around with, understanding that it wont last forever. so last night i decided i would tell James (this boy). guess what happened? he asked me out -_- really shouldn't have told him!
lets get this clear. i feel as though i love him in my head, but I've felt like that for yeeaaars. when im with him i feel as though we are just friends, nothing more. but when im not with him i feel like i really love him. is that normal? o.O i cant see myself doing 'sexual things' to/with him, and i cant even see myself being with him. the negative sort of outweighs the positive. WHAT DO I DO?
having been through a counselling experience, i had learnt that when you don't know what to do ALWAYS get someone else's opinion on it. that's exactly what i did. i decided i would start off slow and ask 'how do you know when your in love?'
person 1- 'when your willing to take a bullet for them. when you care more for them than you care about yourself. when you willing to do whatever they want just to make them happy. when you see them you get shivers down your spine. when they are perfect to you. that's what i think.'
person 2- 'well, that's a difficult question, is different for everyone. if you get butterflies every time you see him, if you miss them as soon as they leave and you just know your in love.'
they were probably the shortest definitions. okkk, out of that the only things i feel for James is i would take a bullet (but then i would take a bullet for every human being "/ ), i care more about him than myself, im willing to do whatever he wants just to make him happy and i sometimes get butterflies.
i was speaking to a good old friend of mine last night (BUMCHEEK!) she gave me a good old lecture. we came to a conclusion...
im in love with the idea of love.
perhaps it was loneliness, jealousy, desperation that made me change my mind about being in a relationship during my childhood. but there's no point rushing into one with someone who you don't even love.
'just wait until the time is right'
Thursday, 16 February 2012
Monday, 23 January 2012
The symptoms of growing up
ive always been an immature kid, i cant lie about that. i am still a very immature girl to this very day. however, i have grown up massively since year 7. even i have to admit that to myself.
here are the symptoms of growing up:
1) you refuse to leave the house without at least a bit of make up on.
2) you take showers too often, whereas you used to stay as long as you could without having one.
3) you take looooonnngggg showers!
4) you care about how you look when you go out, even if its just a trip to the supermarket!
5) you become extremely flirty and tease all the boys/girls.
6) you keep your room tidy.
7) you do jobs around the house, without arguing or expecting anything in return. in fact, you may begin to ask what jobs you can do to help.
8) your relationship gets better with family members.
9) you fall in love with the idea of shopping. and begin going nearly every weekend!
10) you attend parties like every week! thats the great part about it all!
11) you begin worrying about your looks and so get some things adjusted. (eye brows being shapped, upper lip being waxed, facials.)
12) you paint your nails A LOT.
13) you become seriously happy :D sometimes for no reason!
14) you lose your virginity :) <--- yep, thats part of growing up!
15) you fall madly in love.
16) you try to get in bed as early as possible! im not kidding, i used to stay up till silly hours in the morning just because i didnt want to go to sleep... now im doing everything i can to get into bed as early as 6! oh i do love sleep now :) i have actually noticed how much effect it has on me at school.
17) your friendship groups slowly begin to change.
18) you begin to work on your figure. doing as much exercise as you can and eating very healthily.
19) you build more confidence.
20) you brush your teeth every single night and also wash your face :)
im 100% sure ive got a load more of growing up to come. i shall update you as to what changes are going on! this whole 'growing up' thing is really quite cool :) ive got to say, i am enjoying the process :)
here are the symptoms of growing up:
1) you refuse to leave the house without at least a bit of make up on.
2) you take showers too often, whereas you used to stay as long as you could without having one.
3) you take looooonnngggg showers!
4) you care about how you look when you go out, even if its just a trip to the supermarket!
5) you become extremely flirty and tease all the boys/girls.
6) you keep your room tidy.
7) you do jobs around the house, without arguing or expecting anything in return. in fact, you may begin to ask what jobs you can do to help.
8) your relationship gets better with family members.
9) you fall in love with the idea of shopping. and begin going nearly every weekend!
10) you attend parties like every week! thats the great part about it all!
11) you begin worrying about your looks and so get some things adjusted. (eye brows being shapped, upper lip being waxed, facials.)
12) you paint your nails A LOT.
13) you become seriously happy :D sometimes for no reason!
14) you lose your virginity :) <--- yep, thats part of growing up!
15) you fall madly in love.
16) you try to get in bed as early as possible! im not kidding, i used to stay up till silly hours in the morning just because i didnt want to go to sleep... now im doing everything i can to get into bed as early as 6! oh i do love sleep now :) i have actually noticed how much effect it has on me at school.
17) your friendship groups slowly begin to change.
18) you begin to work on your figure. doing as much exercise as you can and eating very healthily.
19) you build more confidence.
20) you brush your teeth every single night and also wash your face :)
im 100% sure ive got a load more of growing up to come. i shall update you as to what changes are going on! this whole 'growing up' thing is really quite cool :) ive got to say, i am enjoying the process :)
Saturday, 21 January 2012
i love my mummy.
my mum isnt one of the over-protective mums, strict mums, forceful mums, nor is she one who makes my decisions for me. my mum is a great mum and i couldnt choose a better one.
when im ill:
my mum comforts me, its like she knows exactly how im feeling. she tells me i should just have the day off school, even though im totally cool with going in because i dont want to mess up her day plans. she doesnt mind. when im literally throwing up, she ties my hair up, rubs my back and tells me its ok. she grabs me all the medicines in the house and asks me which one i would prefer. she makes my bed and tells me to just miss a day off school.
when im in that SERIOUSLY tired mood:
she doesnt get cross at me because im being a moody cow. she understands im a typical teenager and when ive reached my time of being run down and tired, she gives me my space and doesnt dare to argue with me. she tells me to stop whatever im doing and just to go to bed, she will finish it for me. she tells me not to wash my face or brush my teeth. 'one night wont hurt.' as she would say.
when something is bothering me:
she can always tell when im upset. always, no doubt about that. even when im trying so hard not to show it. she just knows. she first tries talking to me, trying to see whats wrong. when i dont want to tell her, she respects that and trys other methods. she then tries cheering me up, this could be taking me out or simply going on just dance :) she understands my age and knows i could be having friendship problems, boyfriend problems or any other silly matters. i have an awesome mum, i cant lie.
my mum is my adviser, my guidance, my help line, but most importantly, shes my best friend. she cant be replaced and she doesnt stab me in the back. i have the most wonderful mother, im so proud to have her as a mother. my relationship is so very close with her, i dont think we could get on better. we never argue like we used to when i was younger. its just perfect. she never judges me, nor does laugh at my mistakes. she is the most generous human you could ever meet, she takes after my nan. i love my mum.
when im ill:
my mum comforts me, its like she knows exactly how im feeling. she tells me i should just have the day off school, even though im totally cool with going in because i dont want to mess up her day plans. she doesnt mind. when im literally throwing up, she ties my hair up, rubs my back and tells me its ok. she grabs me all the medicines in the house and asks me which one i would prefer. she makes my bed and tells me to just miss a day off school.
when im in that SERIOUSLY tired mood:
she doesnt get cross at me because im being a moody cow. she understands im a typical teenager and when ive reached my time of being run down and tired, she gives me my space and doesnt dare to argue with me. she tells me to stop whatever im doing and just to go to bed, she will finish it for me. she tells me not to wash my face or brush my teeth. 'one night wont hurt.' as she would say.
when something is bothering me:
she can always tell when im upset. always, no doubt about that. even when im trying so hard not to show it. she just knows. she first tries talking to me, trying to see whats wrong. when i dont want to tell her, she respects that and trys other methods. she then tries cheering me up, this could be taking me out or simply going on just dance :) she understands my age and knows i could be having friendship problems, boyfriend problems or any other silly matters. i have an awesome mum, i cant lie.
my mum is my adviser, my guidance, my help line, but most importantly, shes my best friend. she cant be replaced and she doesnt stab me in the back. i have the most wonderful mother, im so proud to have her as a mother. my relationship is so very close with her, i dont think we could get on better. we never argue like we used to when i was younger. its just perfect. she never judges me, nor does laugh at my mistakes. she is the most generous human you could ever meet, she takes after my nan. i love my mum.
Friday, 20 January 2012
bestfriends
i have the two most amazing best friends: James & Alea (aka Rocket.) lets start with rocket....
Alea is the most lovely, bubbely person you could meet. if you ever see me at school, thats who ill be with. we have tended to have left our other 'girl' friends and now hang around, just the two of us while we eat. if im honest, its so much cooler than sitting in a massive group like we used to do. we get to discuss things that we only tell each other and just generally have our own time. once weve eaten, we go outside and meet the boys. the boys being James and about 20 others. we then spend our lunch times very strangley, each being different. we may choose to just flirt with each other, to arrange weekends, discuss who everyone wants to get off with at parties, play badminton, play football, anything really :)
just like everyone, rocket has her faults. she has a very stubborn side, which quite honestly gets on my nervs sometimes! i of course dont show it, i just agree to do what she wants. she also worrys about everything! seriously, everything! she NEVER wants to TRY smoking, not once. i mean, i know smoking is bad for you and all but how can you live a life without trying it, not once? i dont quite understand. she also doesnt like getting drunk, shell have the small amounts of alcohol but nothing more than 4%! how boring must that be?:O shes always our sober friend who tends to supervise us, which is always good i suppose. she never wants to take drugs, fair enough, im with her on that one. she doesnt want to have sex until shes 17/18 or something ridiculas? this one i dont quite understand. even if shes in love she doesnt want to. she was explaining it was because of getting diseases or something? i lost her after the part she explained she was going to wait that long! come on, some rules were made to be broken :) but ya know what, shes my best friend and i love her. i respect her choices and her way of life (despite finding it unhuman.) i have some incredible memories with her.
James. ive know him since i was 3 and weve always been very close. we did once have a 3 year relationship, i dont quite remember breaking up with him but it happened one way or another. we know that were in love with each other, but weve decided to just stay friends for now. of course, we have future plans for when were out of school. but right now, relationships at school never last because people always get involved. hes an awesome guy and a great laugh to be with :)
we are usually found out in a large group. usual trip: bus to my house, drop our stuff off and get changed, walk down to asda to buy food, drinks and condoms, then a walk to THE field to play 7 minutes in heaven, truth or dare and silly other games, then a walk back to mine for the night :) sounds boring? its great fun!
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Not a great start to the exams.
THIS WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN YESTERDAY, I JUST FORGOT TO POST IT. JUST REWIND BACK TO YESTERDAY AND CONTINUE READING :)
I arrived at school at 7am! Yes, 7 in the morning! Your probably thinking 'WTF, what a keeno!' but I have my reasons. Kira and I were going to go to a morning revision class before our exam which started at 9. ( it went better than yesterday's revision lesson. My chemistry teacher forgot to turn up and so Kira and I had to wait a whole hour for him to turn up!)
I woke up this morning feeling fresh and ready. I was ready for this exam maaan. I felt as though it had all sunk into my head and I was as prepared as I could be. And so I should have felt seeing as I had been revising since October!
So at 9.00 my exam began. I had one hour to complete the exam. I went in feeling confident and I generally thought I was actually going to do pretty well! I opened the first page. Shit. That's all there is to describe it. But from previous lecturing I knew the first thing I SHOULDNT do is panic. Just think through it and take some deep breaths. I finally concluded on my final answers. By the time I had gone through the whole paper I soon realised I had guessed pretty much every answer. Great!:( I didn't know what the words meant or what anything was and all the practise papers we had been given from school were completley different to the exam!
ive never had an hour go past so quickly, i looked at the clock as it read 9.10. i looked again.. BAM ITS 9.50. 10 minutes left!!
time was up. i had guessed pretty much all the questions. i literally felt like crying. all this work and effort ive put in and none of the stuff came up!! :( grr!
i felt more reasurred when quite a few people said the same thing as me. 'fuck. what did those words bloody mean? that was hard! ive definitely failed'. that was exactly how i was feeling. pissed off. i generally think ill be lucky to get a G (the grade before ungraded).
my mum offered to come and pick me up after school. i didnt quite understand, she had cancelled her fitness class just to pick me up from school? i had sent her a text at break saying how bad it went, being the lovely mother she is she replied with 'oh hun... it really doesnt matter... im so proud you have tried so hard. please dont worry at all!!! you shouldnt even be taking your gcses yet! enjoy your day and put it behind you. i love you.' this was a lot better than what my dad had to say.. 'if you get a F your grounded for 3 months.' great! i hoped he was joking. my mum came and picked me up and asked if i wanted to go out somewhere with her. perhaps to get a coffee at starbucks or something. i didnt want to, i quite honestly wanted to go home and cry. i feel quite bad now because she made the effort to come and take me out and i refused /:
the car journey home wasnt great either. i began explaining how everything i had been revising over which seemed like forever didnt come up once. NOT ONCE! lets just say i started crying in the car. this is just the beginning!
we got home and i immediately ran up to my room and jumped into my bed. my mum soon followed me up. when im upset i have a weird way of pulling myself together. i find speaking really fast and saying a load of things all at once (which arent necessarily true). before it had got to that stage my mum decided she would call my chemistry teacher. they had a loooonggg conversation, in this time i cuddled my dog and tried wiping my tears away. the phone call's purpose wasnt just because of my failure to the exam, but also because i must be in the class with the most naughtiest people you could ever meet. i really wonder why they even bother going to school. we have to stop ever 2 minutes, i thought this may be why we didnt know much because we didnt have time to study the whole unit maybe? she came back in and explained everything.
bless her heart, she was basically in tears too. she was upset because she saw how hard i had been working and she said it seemed such a waste of effort. she then began explaining it wasnt the end of the world, nor the end of having a career. it soon cheered me up :) she told me she failed pretty much all her gcses but she still managed to get a well paid job which she hugely enjoys. we then spent the next 10 minutes cuddling and discussing the rest of it.
MY DAD WAS JOKING ABOUT GROUNDING ME, THANK GOODNESS. I REALISE IM NOT INTELLIGENT, BUT I TRIED MY BEST AND THATS ALL I COULD DO.
I REALISE I WROTE THIS AS SORT OF A BADLY WRITTEN STORY. SOZZZLESSS!
I arrived at school at 7am! Yes, 7 in the morning! Your probably thinking 'WTF, what a keeno!' but I have my reasons. Kira and I were going to go to a morning revision class before our exam which started at 9. ( it went better than yesterday's revision lesson. My chemistry teacher forgot to turn up and so Kira and I had to wait a whole hour for him to turn up!)
I woke up this morning feeling fresh and ready. I was ready for this exam maaan. I felt as though it had all sunk into my head and I was as prepared as I could be. And so I should have felt seeing as I had been revising since October!
So at 9.00 my exam began. I had one hour to complete the exam. I went in feeling confident and I generally thought I was actually going to do pretty well! I opened the first page. Shit. That's all there is to describe it. But from previous lecturing I knew the first thing I SHOULDNT do is panic. Just think through it and take some deep breaths. I finally concluded on my final answers. By the time I had gone through the whole paper I soon realised I had guessed pretty much every answer. Great!:( I didn't know what the words meant or what anything was and all the practise papers we had been given from school were completley different to the exam!
ive never had an hour go past so quickly, i looked at the clock as it read 9.10. i looked again.. BAM ITS 9.50. 10 minutes left!!
time was up. i had guessed pretty much all the questions. i literally felt like crying. all this work and effort ive put in and none of the stuff came up!! :( grr!
i felt more reasurred when quite a few people said the same thing as me. 'fuck. what did those words bloody mean? that was hard! ive definitely failed'. that was exactly how i was feeling. pissed off. i generally think ill be lucky to get a G (the grade before ungraded).
my mum offered to come and pick me up after school. i didnt quite understand, she had cancelled her fitness class just to pick me up from school? i had sent her a text at break saying how bad it went, being the lovely mother she is she replied with 'oh hun... it really doesnt matter... im so proud you have tried so hard. please dont worry at all!!! you shouldnt even be taking your gcses yet! enjoy your day and put it behind you. i love you.' this was a lot better than what my dad had to say.. 'if you get a F your grounded for 3 months.' great! i hoped he was joking. my mum came and picked me up and asked if i wanted to go out somewhere with her. perhaps to get a coffee at starbucks or something. i didnt want to, i quite honestly wanted to go home and cry. i feel quite bad now because she made the effort to come and take me out and i refused /:
the car journey home wasnt great either. i began explaining how everything i had been revising over which seemed like forever didnt come up once. NOT ONCE! lets just say i started crying in the car. this is just the beginning!
we got home and i immediately ran up to my room and jumped into my bed. my mum soon followed me up. when im upset i have a weird way of pulling myself together. i find speaking really fast and saying a load of things all at once (which arent necessarily true). before it had got to that stage my mum decided she would call my chemistry teacher. they had a loooonggg conversation, in this time i cuddled my dog and tried wiping my tears away. the phone call's purpose wasnt just because of my failure to the exam, but also because i must be in the class with the most naughtiest people you could ever meet. i really wonder why they even bother going to school. we have to stop ever 2 minutes, i thought this may be why we didnt know much because we didnt have time to study the whole unit maybe? she came back in and explained everything.
bless her heart, she was basically in tears too. she was upset because she saw how hard i had been working and she said it seemed such a waste of effort. she then began explaining it wasnt the end of the world, nor the end of having a career. it soon cheered me up :) she told me she failed pretty much all her gcses but she still managed to get a well paid job which she hugely enjoys. we then spent the next 10 minutes cuddling and discussing the rest of it.
MY DAD WAS JOKING ABOUT GROUNDING ME, THANK GOODNESS. I REALISE IM NOT INTELLIGENT, BUT I TRIED MY BEST AND THATS ALL I COULD DO.
I REALISE I WROTE THIS AS SORT OF A BADLY WRITTEN STORY. SOZZZLESSS!
Thursday, 12 January 2012
it'll all be over in a few years :)
my friends took their first GCSE exam today. im not in their science class because sadly i couldnt live up to the expectations of being intelligent, therefore they were studying biology. my chemistry exam is next Wednesday. im taking the foundation paper and so the highest grade you can get is a C. my predicted grade is a C, however, i sadly dont think i will be able to achieve this :( i dont understand chemistry and so remembering it is like trying to make a cake with no ingrediants. it just doesnt work.
REVISING IS SO HARD :( ONLY 6 DAYS LEFT AND I WONT HAVE TO REVISE FOR SCIENCE FOR 4 MONTHS OR SO :D then i have to start revising for my maths exam which is also coming up. my teacher is expecting us to get B's and above :( NO PRESSURE.
Sorry for not writing for a while. i hope you understand how busy life is at the moment. :)
REVISING IS SO HARD :( ONLY 6 DAYS LEFT AND I WONT HAVE TO REVISE FOR SCIENCE FOR 4 MONTHS OR SO :D then i have to start revising for my maths exam which is also coming up. my teacher is expecting us to get B's and above :( NO PRESSURE.
Sorry for not writing for a while. i hope you understand how busy life is at the moment. :)
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