awkwaaard

i hate it when you have a really awkward conversation, by text, with someone and then have to see them the next day. i don't mean a slightly awkward conversation, im talking about the most awkward conversation you can imagine!

this so very awkward conversation was held with my best friend. he is like a brother to me. we stupidly decided we would talk about how far we would go with each other... this indeed went way too far, further than i was expecting. i guess i shouldn't really say anything more before i get myself into a lot of trouble. he has a girlfriend /: who is my old best friend, which i now hate. i hate seeing them together :'( but that's just life i guess. the cause to me not texting him any longer was because he had a girlfriend. he said he would cheat on her with me :O no, that's wrong. i would never let him do that!


today was very awkward at school, but we soon got over it :)

awkwarddd timess ;P

IMPORTANT THINGS:
1, its 54 days until Christmas.
2, im going to this firework thing with Alea on Saturday, should be fun - i love fireworks :)
3, im also going ice skating, shopping and visiting the cinema a few times with Alea (on different days). to see abduction and breaking dawn when it comes out.
4, im going to a UV foam party. ive never been to one before, apparently the foam is alumnus or something?
5, im not liking how dark it is :( its been dark all day! no fair :(  


(:

i'd be fine if i was intelligent.

i often wonder how my future is going to turn out. good? or bad? i realise it is going to very difficult to get a job, to buy a house (or at least somewhere to live), to buy a car, to get driving lessons, get into a good university and still have spear money to buy food supplies. in fact, to have all of that is very unlikely. obviously it can be achieved, but your going to have to be more intelligent than you could imagine. sadly, im not intelligent. im not afraid to admit that. i know my gcse results aren't going to be very great. however, that isn't going to stop me revising every single night up to the exam, to continue to try extremely hard at school and to go out less so i can revise. i know it will all pay off in the end.

ive got my aim. ive realised im never going to marry someone rich but who is also kind and loving. and to be honest, i would choose a loving, caring and kind man over a rich, self centred prick. i don't even know what i want to do for a living. i honestly have not a clue. im beginning to develop an interest in hair dressing. but knowing me ill change my mind in a month or so.

i sometimes wish i could get my future told by one of those freaky people, often found abroad. my mum had it done, and it was exactly right. everything she got old would happen, actually did. the only problem is, its very expensive and they are hard to find. then at least i would know if my future was going to go badly, i could change it. and it good, keep everything the same.

im sure it will turn out just fine, im just worrying. i guess :)

text sex? does it even exist?

i know there is phone sex, which is normally hugely awkward. but is there text sex? just a little bit of advice, if someone asks you if you want to have text sex, do NOT agree until you have found out exactly what it is. if it is something? you will probably find your phone being over loaded with inappropriate photos, and trust me you'll laugh and find it hard to resist putting them on facebook. until you realise they are wanting you to send some more photos back. that part is definitely not funny.

i guess it could mean something. because phone sex, cyber sex and all those other weirdly invented things is basically the same. you just don't see anything live, its all very descriptive and photographic. i don't even understand why they have 'sex' written at the end of them. they are most certainly not classed as having sex. so if you think your going to lose your virginity that way, sorry to break it to you, but you might want to think again :)

its such a weird life we live in today. text sex? really? whats next, x box sex? wii sex? ps3 sex? no, lets get real here. its nothing pleasant. if your that horny go and have proper sex! cyber sex, phone sex AND text sex are hugely pathetic. unless your in a long distance relationship, then its understandable and acceptable.

this is a very bizarre topic, i realise that. i just think you should all understand that it does not count as losing your virginity. :)

ALSO:

if you are trying to have sex underage and hopefully aren't planning to get pregnant. pregnancy pills will not be given to you. you have to go to a doctor to get them, a parent or guardian has to be there and you have to have a good enough reason to get them. therefore, its highly unlikely that you will be able to get them. you may as well use condoms, but maybe use an extra one or maybe even two. just in case. you can get them from toilets. most public toilets actually. 

IM NOT SUGGESTING YOU HAVE SEX UNDERAGE BUT YOU KNOW... im just saying pregnancy pills are hard to get.

take the advice.. or don't... its your choice :)

Why cant everything just Slow down!!

Everything is happening so fast. Too fast. I want to go back to the days where I could sit on sims all day, not bother going out, not do any work and pig out on food and not put on any weight.I have always wanted to take charge of my life, until it actually started happening. You may be thinking WTF? I'm only 13...

I've started my GCSE courses! I'm taking them two years early :( I have my first exam a few months after I go back to school. It chemistry :( I can't do science to save my life, it's all too much for my brain.

I do not honestly get a second to spare. I get so much homework, then I've got loads of sport activities, revising, working out, and all that essential stuff. Then on top of that I've got to find time for my family, social life, parties, guitar, alone time, eating, extra activities such as cadets and sleep! Life is just so busy :(

I'm honestly crapping myself about these gcses :( I need to start revising, I want to walk into the results room and pick up my envelope of results not feeling at all scared because I know I would of done my best. Whether that's ping to happen, I do not know. Im so bad at revising, it goes in one ear and out the other. Oh I wish I was naturally intelegent :(


Speak soon... If I don't write for a while ... There's my excuses ^^


Ps: ive got lots to write about from Spain, I will try and find time to do that.

Byee ��

is my mum the only embarrassing one on this earth?

ive never liked the doctors. i guess not many people do. but today, i had to go. i wasnt really 'scared' as i normally am. i usually always get scared when there. but i knew they were only going to give me some medication so it was all good.

i had a lie in this morning, well a bit more sleep than i usually would have on a school day, i should say. mum then woke me up before she left to take Ellie (the person i share lifts with) to school. she had instructed me to walk the dogs.

we arrived at the doctors a little later than we were meant to be there. my mum and i are usually late to places. this time traffic was the excuse.

i followed my mum into the room where i was to be seen. such a lovely lady the nurse was.we spoke about my first 'issue' (not problem) she prescripted me with some medication. and then the second 'issue' which was also prescripted with medication.

i then went and sat in the car whilst my mum 'poped' into the toilet. well i say poped. i was beginning to wonder what had happened to her, do i go in and check shes ok? or stay seated and listen to music? i chose to listen to the music. a lady at the reception then came and knocked on the window explaining that my mum had been locked in the toilet. i followed the receptionist back to the toilets.

she was ACTUALLY stuck.... FOR TWO HOURS! the handle just wasnt opening, so they called a locksmith to come and rescue her. they took nearly an hour to come. was ridiculaous.

after she was FINALLY out of the toilet. she made a few phone calls as she had missed some of her clients. we then popped into asda to pick up the medication. we had to wait 20 minutes for the chemist to open -.- this made my mum late for ANOTHER client. my mum went outside and had a cigarette whilst i stood there ashamed.

once they were open, we grabbed the medication and ran. ive had NEVER swallowed a tablet before. im not sure why. its just something ive never been able to do. but the nurse said ive got to take them or she cant help.  so on the way to school, i had to take one. i did the panicing bit, 'no i cant do it' 'ahh no' 'i dont want to' 'i cant!' obviously ;) my mum then instructed me with what i had to do annddd.... I DID IT :D like straight away. im so pathetic!

i then had netball training after school - funnnn. after that i ate dinner. thennn... went babysitting. theennn ... did some paper work. yes, paper work. not homework. next.... i started packing. AND THEN ... had a bath :)

^ thats my day right there. fun? -.-

IMPORTANT UPDATES:
1, i go to Spain in two days, therefore, probably wont have time to write on this before i leave. ill update you all when i get back though :)
2,  ITS 67 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS


SPEAK WHEN I GET BACK

:)

Life is sometimes difficult, but you've got to act causal and keep calm.

i had a party tonight.it was a girls from my class. i call her a girl because, honestly, im not close enough with her to call her my 'friend'. she pretty much invited every random person at school.

 i went to Alea's house after school and got ready there. we arrived at the community centre (where the party was) embarrassingly early. Courtney (whose party is was) and some other people who we refer to as 'chavs' were stood there waiting. we had to choose between staying in the car and waiting for people who we called 'friends' or going out or going and standing with the chavs. we chose the chavs.

the start wasnt great. after we ssaid hey to everyone, the boy 'chavs' came along. Alea is a very panicy, sensitive person. who wants nothing to do with drugs, smoking, drinking, sex and all that underaged stuff. so her reaction when one of the boys came over with a bag of weed and was making everyone smell it was exactly as i expected. she started to walk off a bit and called me over. i wanted to make it casual, i did this by looking away. we were in luck, our friends drove up down the road. so we walked down and stood with them until the chavs went in.

to make this a LITTLE less boring, EVERYONE was smoking, some did drugs and most people were drinking alcohol and getting pissed. awesome party, right? not when you have a panicy friend, i cant tell you that now. i didnt want to leave her, because thats not what a good friend would do. however, i didnt want to be the only ones on the dance floor when no one else was dancing. so i made sure she had some people to dance with before i went and joined the others outside.

it was quite upsetting at the party actually. my friend who i have known since i was 3 in now one of the chavs. he smokes AND does drugs. he used to be like my BEST friend and we were ever so close. it really hurts to see what hes become now. he USED to be like a brother to me, therefore, i am feeling now like i should try and stop him. i have tried, i really have. but he has mixed with the chavs, therefore, is pressured into everything. hes always been naughty, but this is just too far. im never going to do drugs. there are better ways do die thanks.

was a pretty shittt party if im totally honest. ohh well :)

Grandparents are so embarrassing.

So last Monday, i decided i hadn't seen my grandparents for such a long time. well i say a long time, really i mean a week and a half or so. but this is a VERY long time for me. i used to go to their house 3 or 4 times a week, but now its very hard as my life has become soooooo busy. im incredibly close with my grandparents, and im not even afraid to admit it. they are like my best friends. their house is basically my second home :) they have been very supportive over these years since i lost both my other grandparents :( but anyway... getting on with the point...

So on Monday, my nanny and granddad picked me up after school and took me back to their house. my nanny made me a sandwich and gave me some crisps for my energy for rowing. was AMAZING, i love her sandwiches. my granddad and i then started talking about what i wanted to do when i left school. i have no idea. im not quite sure how but we started talking about how im going off to Spain next week. think it must of had something to do with the fact i said i wanted to travel when im older. my granddad then raced upstairs to find some euros he had left (he used to travel everywhere, he was in the army or something like that). we counted it out and there was 110£. he gave it to me and because im such a nice person i gave half to my brother because we are alwayss going out to Spain. we then left for rowing INCREDIBLY EARLY. no seriously. like 40 minutes earlier than we should of. this was because my Granddad was scared we were going to get stuck in traffic.

we didn't get stuck in traffic. not at all! so as we were going down the Dual carriageway way, he decided he would go at 5MPH. that's not even a joke. he was actually going that slow. all the cars over took us and looked at us as if we had some sort of problems. im not surprised to be honest. i honestly couldn't think of anything worse. clearly i was wrong....

this slow driving continued ALL the way down to rowing. not funny. i then realised how early we were and decided i didn't want them to park in the normal car park because that's were everyone i know goes and that would be embarrassing being seen with them. im not being mean but i do find it hugely embarrassing /: so my granddad drove into the car park i had told him to. there i was thinking we would just sit there for 20 minutes -.-. but NO, we have to get out and go for a walk. i didn't want to say no because i didn't want to be rude.

so we went for a walk down the river. i walked the opposite way to where we do the rowing, in case i saw anyone i knew. we went and stood by the kayaking and sort of just stood there. we then decided we would go and sit in the cafe.it was closed -.- so then i suggested i went and helped set up, meaning they could go and i could just go down. buttt nooooo, they came with me. so by this point i decided i wasn't going to go and help because 1, nothing actually needed setting up i was just trying to hint the fact they could go, and 2, i didn't want them coming too. so we went and sat on a bench which was quite near where we row.

however, it was reaalllyyy cold there. so my granddad suggested we went and sat in the car for 15 minutes. that's what we did... for 1 minute! my nanny then suggested we went to the other car park. i was like 'i think were ok here' 'i don't know if we are allowed in the other car park' 'no its ok don't worry'. clearly they didn't take in anything i said, my granddad said 'im going to drive you down to the other car park and see if anyone is there'.

so yes, he drove down to the other car park. EVERYONE WAS THERE. including all the coaches. we just drove right through, i tried to make him drive quicker and park so i could get out but noooo he has to go slow. i didn't understand why, normally he drives suppperrrrrr quick. SO FRIKIN' EMBARRASSING!!

They came round for dinner that night too, haha.

Got to love grandparents, i certainly love mine :) ... that's not sarcastic by the way.

<3

Monkton Time trials - 8th October -

yesterday was the day i had been waiting for, for a long enough time. i hadnt raced in soo long because of the summer holiday break. we had to leave at 7.45!! this was because we had to drive all the way to... somewhere near bath i think it was. Emily, her mother and her little sister picked my mother and myself up and off we went.

the first race was incredible. my crew really pushed to the limit. we were going ever so quickly. however, the wind then hit us near the end. we had to keep fighting through the pain. trust me, it was painful. we finished in a time of i think 7.28.6? i think it was. we had won so far!! we were all so happy but decided not to get too excited because last time this happened and someone from another division beat us at the last minute. we looked like idiots.

it came down to either winning or my schools other crew beating mine. i was so sure we were going to beat them. we do have more power, its been proven before. however, they beat us. i dont know by how much. i came to the conclusion that we did win in our hearts, because if we didnt have the bit of wind at the end, we would have beaten them easy. they didnt have any wind. but i guess thats life. i was so angry when they went up and collected their rewards. not only because we had been beaten, but, because we got beaten by our friends.

i then had to cox another one of our quads. that was DEFINITELY not successful. i crashed, RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING. i felt so bad. they lost so much time there. i needed the toilet, SO BADLY. and anything i did mad me need it even more. so i started thinking about other things. the race then started whilst my head was thinking of butterflies and cup cakes. by the time i started to turn, it was too late. we went straight into the bush and got stuck for a good minute or so. they all shouted at me, and quite rightly they should of. im such a douche.

there is a positive to this day though! we got a burger king on the way home. because we're fattys. this got me out of my bad mood. just the thought of knowing we could of won. weve never won :( however, it was an improvement... last year Emily and i came 4th in our double. so we're improving. i couldnt work out whether it was the burger king or the tiredness that made me go hyper. think it was a bit of both actually. i often go hyper when im tired. weird, right? i ended up biting Emily, laughing ever so loudly at the service station and getting all the lovely, tired people there to stare at me like i was on some kind of drug. i also thought i spotted the effiel tower on the way home. these arejust a few examples of the crazy things i do.

i then got home at like 9.15pm. i decided i would go on facebook and upload the photos of rowing. i sat on facebook ALL night. fun.

rowing this morning. at 8! no lie in this weekend. fml. i was in a double with Filiz. that was everything but good. was terrible.

IMPORTANT UPDATES:
1, really want to move school at the moment. not because i dont like my school, I LOVE IT. i will explain this in another post.

11 DAYS UNTIL SPAIN.
76 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

Stupid Open evening!

i hadn't planned on helping out at open evening. this was because we had half day today (because of open evening) and i wanted to go into town and just chill. however, i did send my rowing coach an email offering to come if he REALLY wanted me to. what i did not think was that he would actually want me to go.

i had just finished dinner and i suddenly remembered i had offered to help out. i quickly ran to the iPad to check the emails. THREE EMAILS FROM ROWING. i read them one bye one. just my luck, one of them read 'that would be great, see you tonight.' well firstly, this sounds very wrong from a ROWING COACH. or maybe just in my head? haha.

i was screwed. i didn't know what time it was even meant to start. i went onto the school website and checked. 6- 8.30. well at this point it was 5 past 6! i ran as fast as i could up to my bedroom, stripped off my uniform and threw my PE kit on in a hurry. i was then delayed EVEN MORE by my brother deciding he would move the car and block up the drive. hes 16, however, has decided he wants to start learning around out estate. hes actually very good, iv'e got to say. once he FINALLY moved out of the way, mum drove me down to school in 4 minutes! this is actually very quick if you consider that we drove from Wycombe to Marlow.

i had obviously thought of a plan on the way down. however, not a plan B. didn't think i would need one.
PLAN: get out the car. RUN LIKE FUCK TO THE BLUE ROOM. apologise for being late and blame it on my brother.
what could possibly go wrong? i thought.

it didn't exactly go to plan. i got out the car, forgetting there was LOADS of people. how stupid of me! it was open evening. so i dodged all the people, ran from the car to the blue room. i then ran in the outside door to find Emily, Montanna, Holly, Lucy and Natalie all standing in there. they were all very surprised to see me as i told them i wasn't going to go. they then explained that Mr Farrelly wasn't going to even be there because he was in the library.

it was very tiring and boring, to say the least. i was glad when it was finally over!

IMPORTANT UPDATES:
1, i would really like to move to another country for a few years. so much shit going on at the moment.

14 DAYS UNTIL SPAIN
79 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

i hate school photos.

we had our school photos on monday. i really do hate them. i always look so terrible in them. however, this year i couldnt wait any longer to get a new one. my photo last year was seriously gross. i had my hair down and it was long and thick and looked horrible. because i obviously didnt have my hair cut back then.

so i had them done with the paedophilic photographers. i had an individual photo and one with my form. im really dreading how they are going to come out. ahh well...


IMPORTANT UPDATES:
15 DAYS UNTIL BARCELONA
80 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS

boys are so confusingly annoying.

i realise i haven't written for while. you've gotta understand how much effort is needed to keep writing on here? ;) i have four blogs i need to write, in so little time to do it. i will start this one with the boy i have my crush on...

ive heard all the stories of boys leading girls on, pretending to love them but then going off with someone else. however, saying this, not once did i stop and think it would happen to me. boys are such confusing species. i mean, i love boys. i cant say i don't, none of us would be here if it wasn't for them. well and us girls too. its a joint effort we all exist ;)

i have had a crush on this boy for sooo long now, its unbelievable. however, yesterday he decided he would get with a girl. (someone i don't know). fair enough, you may think? let me explain. he had been leading me on, putting loads of kisses on his texts to me, texting me EVERYDAY for MONTHS and MONTHS, told me he wanted me to be his future girlfriend and all that crap. AND THEN he decides to go out and get a girlfriend. am i wrong to feel this angry, cross and confused?

i decided i wouldn't talk to him last night, because i honestly didn't know what to say. and my friend once told me, and i quote... 'if you don't know what to say then he's not worth the words.' i went by this quote. i really did not know what to do or think. im meant to be going skiing with him at Christmas and im so pissed off at him. GREAT.

anyway, to brighten this up.... HES NOT GOING OUT WITH HER ANYMORE. wooo, a one day relationship! i don't know what happened, as to why they broke up. but im not even going to ask. im still not going to talk to him yet. ill give it a few weeks, me thinks.


Why does he have to live so far away? :(